The Red and White’s Satirical Guide to the Elections

Vector Images

Alex Doebler

By ALEX DOEBLER

With primaries coming up in the spring, it’s important to get an idea of who is running for each party. There are a lot of options, so it may be hard to stay informed on all of them. Hopefully this completely serious and unbiased article helps some people to get a feel for the three highest polling members of each major party.

 

Donald Trump

The Lorax’s estranged brother is running again. Forget about the truffula trees and look at his hands, which he has always made a point of insisting are “absolutely huge,” or at least as large as the elephant he represents – and given how much he talks with his hands, they clearly need to be. He is still fostering foreign relations in a huge way, but maybe not as huge as his hands. Some may call it conspiring with foreign powers, others call it making friends. Sure, some of his friends kill thousands, but who has never had a friend like that?

 

Joe Walsh

Joe Walsh the rockstar? Nope. Apparently there is another one, and he is running against Trump for the Republican nomination. It seems like the guitarist would stand a better chance since people have at least heard of him. From Trump to Obama to his ex-wife, the only person it seems he will not criticize is himself. None of that really matters though, since hardly anyone knows who he is, and by the end of this election hardly anyone will. 

 

Bill Weld

Is he Libertarian or Republican? He flip flops so often he might switch parties again before the election. Despite his clear libertarian leanings, he hopped parties back over to the republicans. Maybe he just has a coin and calls out, “Heads: I’m republican. Tails: I’m libertarian,” but that sort of whimsy seems out of place considering on stage he acts like a robot, standing still and showing little emotion. Who knows though? It might be a clever campaigning strategy. Plenty of programmers are already preparing to accept their new AI overlords.

 

Joe Biden

The next guy running for president is the civil servant with a smile that wouldn’t feel out of place on an underpaid McDonalds employee. He must have gotten jealous of the rest of his friend group. After all, he has professed to knowing three presidents intimately. Or maybe Ted Cruz inspired him too. After all, according to Trump, Cruz’s father had a hand in killing Kennedy, so he knows a thing or two about jealousy.  Biden even called him “an inspiration to every kid in America who worries that he’ll never be able to run for President because nobody likes him.” 

 

Bernie Sanders

If Bernie wins, we may need to pay more attention to the Vice President. He looks like he would be sworn in with his hand on the bible and his foot in the grave. Allegedly he questioned if a woman could be president, but try not to hold that against him. He must have been asked a thousand times if a dinosaur could be president. He waves his hands in front of his face so much you would think he has the reach of a T-Rex and just can not move them down any further.

 

Elizabeth Warren

Organizing her pens? Warren has a plan for that. Positioning posters? Warren has a plan for that. The right combination of sugar, cream, and coffee to start off her morning? Warren has a plan for that. Stapling papers? Warren probably has a plan for that, too. With all the time she spends planning, it makes you wonder when Warren actually has time to get stuff done. It would not be surprising if Warren had separate plans for what to do in case of an alien invasion based off of the number of limbs they have. She might even have a kook calling themself an alien translator lined up to hire onto the Whitehouse staff already. You know, just in case.