All material contained herein is a work of satirical fiction, it does not necessarily reflect the views of the Bellefonte School District, and should not be taken seriously. 

Aquarius: Apparently lying is your thing. Yeah, I’m not really sure where that’s all coming from (except your excessive egotistical narcissism— don’t give me that look, you know what I’m talking about). Somehow, though, you manage to maintain a relatively impressive intellect. Heck, you actually enjoy Physics and calculus. Which is weird. Yes, no sane person enjoys Physics or calculus. 

Pisces: How manipulation? How be smart? These are the questions you ask yourself (Sorry, not sorry). Yet somehow, and I don’t know how you do it, you still think yourself the owner of a singular brain cell, and when I say that is killing me, it is killing me. 

Aries: You are incredibly scornful, impatient, and in many ways, slightly childish. You of course, like everything apparently, manage to surprise me, as you are actually (I know) quite curious, and dare I say, intelligent. Yes, people think you a snob, but I an inquisitive one. Keep doing you, bestie.

Taurus: Communist.

            Need I say more?

            Yes, apparently. So, you’re a bit blunt, and a bit dull, but you work quite hard— far more than your peers, who really are lazy slobs. And yes, I suppose, you’re even practical and persistent.

            Huh.

           A hard-working communist.

          I had no idea those even existed.

         emini: Yeah, you’re cheap. Like, majorly so. (Please, you make 80k a year, so unless you’re taking bi-weekly trips to Vegas, stop taking part in the BOGO stale bread sale). Still, you’re surprisingly quick-witted. Just clearly not financially (don’t worry, I drove five extra miles last Wednesday to get a deal on old donuts— you’re not the only way-too-overly frugal one).

Cancer: Besides holding ridiculously high standards for yourself that will ultimately leave you crying at three in the morning because you have seven AP projects due in six hours that are worth 69% of your grade, you’re a decent human being. Which, all things considered, is a rather unattainable status in our oh-so-dandy society. Still, your procrastination is crippling. So please, even though you are clearly about to stop reading my exalted verbiage, get off your I-can’t-say-this-word-or-else-my-teacher-and-principal-will-have-my-head, and get a couple things done (you’ll thank me later).

Leo: You egotistical, vain, overly confident, sensitive, (why is my computer auto-suggesting intelligent, I hate technology, and definitely the millenials behind it), annoying PERSON!! You think yourself a leader. No. No. Please don’t. I can assure you right now that no one else share your views. No. No. No.

Virgo: You’re a good bus driver. And by good, I mean great. You’re also, actually, decently intelligent. Though you’re unemotional (I know, I know, people and their petty gossip is annoying, aren’t mindful paranoia and overly complex thoughts and arguments far more interesting?), you’re still a great guy. Nice job.

Libra: You, like the ingenious author, ponder the origin of star signs, and how someone came to think they were somehow worth the time of day. I say to this: bravo. You have managed to, unlike our wonderful Pisces friends, make yourself privy to a handful of brain cells. I wish I was a Libra.

Sagittarius: Surprisingly optimistic, and I don’t know how you do it. Teach me. Actually, don’t, because then you’ll infect me with such eternal optimism that will never allow me to see the world for what it is. So because I’m obligated by threat of failed grades, here’s some advice: start using Twitter for several hours a day. It’ll sober you up, and begin leaving you with feelings of existential dread and remind you that time will only continue marching towards inevitable death (you can only escape this through mindless 9-5 work, by the way).

Capricorn: You hate risks. So please, take some. Life gets pretty boring without any. As the ever-wise individual who definitely did not total his best friend’s parent’s prized lamborghini, Ferris Bueller, once said: “Life moves pretty fast, and if you don’t stop to take a look around once in a while, you may miss it.” Yeah yeah, I know, surprisingly sentimental on your author’s part. So please, take that parting gift as some words of wisdom. You’ll need it (you chicken).