Does anyone else dread those boring family meetings? Sitting by your grandma with her old grandmother perfume wafting off of her and giving you an asthma attack? Listening to those boring, meaningless conversations about deer season and what they bought three months ago? Well, we have the guide for you. Continue reading to see what you can do to block out the annoying, constant ramble of those old people with no sense of humor with our satirical guide. 

1. One of my favorite things to do when my grandmother starts going on about her new christmas tree ornaments, is randomly scream at the top of my lungs. It is amazing how quickly everyone gets quiet. 
2. When your great grandmother brings up the fact that you are still single and lonely, just remind her that at least you still have the ability to pull people. Or you can always bring up the fact that you can still walk around the house like a normal person. 
3. One way to not throw up when looking at your aunt’s new christmas sweater is to shove your face with her fresh baked cookies ‘til you’re in too much of a sugar high to see it. 
4. Does anyone else dread helping your mom in the kitchen? Her constant yelling, telling you what you’re doing wrong? Well, all you need to do is dump a whole salt shaker into her mouth. She won’t be talking to you at all then. That will make everyone’s ears happy, especially yours and the ham about to be cooked. 
5. You know that disgusting fruit cake that your uncle makes, thinking he was a good cook, but it actually makes you want to take poison compared to it? Save everyone by tripping him when he walks through the door.  
6. Has your sister’s complaining during the holidays ever made you want to tear your ears off? Well,  just take a pillow and go behind her when she’s not looking. Shove that pillow in her face, until it is quiet. Pure, beautiful silence.
7. Does anyone else’s dad make dry ham? Or not even show up to Christmas dinner? Well, dump some nice warm water on that dry juicy ham if your dad is there, and if your dad has never showed, go to his house and put a nice wet uncooked ham on his steps.
8. You know that feeling when your arrogant cousin walks in the door and the spotlight moves to them? You can move the attention back to you simply by throwing the leftover floor fruitcake at their “flawless” hair.
9. Is it just awful when your oldest brother comes home for the holidays smelling like the ham your mom’s making? Well while he is sleeping, put some pineapple and cherries on him with a little butter. Not only will he wake up smelling good, but he will also have breakfast in bed. 
10. Is it your boyfriend’s first time over for christmas? Well we know the perfect way to make your family love him. Just start having a heated makeout session on the couch. They will fall in love with him immediately.

We hope that this guide has helped you to survive the terrifying Christmas family reunion.