Satire: BREAKING NEWS: Robot among us


Photo by Alex Ebeling and Luke Fisher

Picture leaked of current junior Davis Corman from middle school, proving to his peers that he is, in fact, a robot.

Alex Ebeling and Luke Fisher

Junior at Bellefonte Area High School, Davis Corman, was actually found to be a robot. Clearly there is a flaw in his programming, since he is not top of his class. However, most of his classmates have noticed that he scores higher than everyone else and no one understood why. 

Davis Corman has always studied extraordinarily hard for every little assignment he has ever had. Davis has always shown fake emotions for certain situations that is why no one knew he was a robot. For example, his mother said “He got a 98% on a test and I heard him crying in his room but when I went there was never tears or any moisture on his face.” 

This whole conspiracy was discovered just recently as his sophomore brother at Bellefonte high school saw him malfunctioning. 

“It was a normal day until I heard Benny, our blind dog, crying from inside of Davis’s room. I thought maybe he was just stuck in there and wanted out, but when I walked in it was something I never would have expected. Davis had nacho cheese dorito dust all over his hands and was using Benny as a NAPKIN!” Jacob said.

This was one of the major malfunctions that Davis was caught doing. Davis has also been caught cheating and abusing his robotic powers to dominate basketball. 

According to his teammate, senior at Bellefonte, Blair Eckley-Jones, “Davis has always had an extremely unorthodox, and weird looking jump shot. I’ve never seen anything like it before. He also uses this hook shot that hits the same spot every time, I swear he is a robot. Even NBA players aren’t this consistent at playing basketball.”

Since this scandal occurred Davis has been stripped of all of his scholarships from Harvard, Yale, Princeton, and Stanford. All of the awards he has won at any academic competitions are being given to the second place winner. 

Now the robot Davis Corman is being held captive on a private island in Cancun with Tupac and Biggie Smalls. For the friends and family of Davis, we are sorry for this tragic information and hope you can accept this.