Satire: Math and McDermit are “over”


Photo created by Red and White Staff

Math teacher Mr. Matthew McDermit has been hiding his love of literature for years.

Emma Homan, Feature News Director

Bellefonte math teacher Mr. McDermit has held a shocking secret for a very long time: He hates math. The confession came out after a particularly draining Honors Pre-Calculus class, students watching in awe Mr. McDermit finally broke. Whether by the student’s constant barrage of questions, or the material itself it is not clear, only that he had finally hit his limit.

“I just… didn’t expect him to lose it like that. He talks about math all the time. It’s hard to believe someone like him could hold that much hate,”  HPC student Jakob Skrzyki said.

McDermit’s admission could be heard echoing down the hallways, as though the words themselves were so shocking that they lingered in the air, the universe unable to accept this horrifying truth.

“It was like a sonic boom, somehow even louder than when he screams at us for saying ‘over’ instead of ‘divided by,’”  HPC student Jcb Skrzck said.

Mr. McDermit was interviewed after school last Thursday after his outburst in which he emphasized his long-standing hatred for mathematics in a dedicated, 4-hour long speech, complete with its own 10-minute intermission and ad break. Snacks were provided at the dedicated snack bar.

“There was a point where I enjoyed the subject. It’s been ruined now. The numbers and letters taunt me. The formulas circle my brain and torment my mind,” he said.

This statement was then promptly followed by a perfectly memorized and recited Shakespearean soliloquy. His passionate hatred for math seemed to have bloomed into a passionate adoration of the English language. Various HPC students were found muttering nonsensically to themselves after this reveal.

“We’re never getting any bonus points on this problem set again. The grammar is… flawless. Not a single sentence clause error in sight,” HPC student Jaeycoebbe Sckrzickee said.

Since the reveal, McDermit has transferred to teaching Philosophy at Princeton University, in which he has sworn off the use of mathematics for the rest of his life. 

“My students were right, It’s all just made up anyway. I don’t need to measure or count, I can just do what feels right,” he said.

In McDermit’s absence, the HPC students have overthrown the permanent substitute. They now follow McDermit’s “No More Math” philosophy, spending their class period eating Unit Circle-shaped foods and playing four-square. “Pi Day every day,” they chant.