Aries

    Well, you made it through the year Aries, and I’ll admit, I’m surprised. Like, REALLY surprised you didn’t drop out halfway through and start working at McDonalds. So, congratulations on making it, and good luck next year when you inevitabley enter an existential crisis and once again contemplate stupid decisions.

Taurus

    I feel like everywhere I go, there you are. Supermarket? You’re there. Seeing a movie? You’re there. On a date at a super expensive restaurant? You guessed it– you’re there. So please, for the love of literally everything, keep your sorry self at home this summer. I promise we’ll all thank you.

Gemini

    Oh Gemini, you’re so different. So so different. You love to watch the same movies as everyone, you love to read the same books as everyone, and most of all, you looooooove to pretend like you don’t do any of those things. I think you call yourself… what, “quirky?” Yeah, sounds about right. So different and so quirky and so not like other girls. So just over the summer, I challenge you, FOR ONCE, to have an original thought and maybe stop telling everyone that you love seeing the totally vintage and totally forgotten movie series Star Wars (and that no one else ever watches it).

Cancer

    Please go outside this summer. Please set down the controller and take a stroll around the block. I promise the new season of COD (did I mention you’re the only one who plays that anymore, by the way?) can wait.

Leo

    Did you do it Leo? Did you get a 100% on every final and AP test and project? I assume so, because that’s all you do, and I mean that in every manner possible. Allllll you do is obseeess over grades, and talk about how a 99.9% on your history paper will literally ruin your life and any chance to do anything ever again. So from a concerned friend, I’m asking that you reconsider. Not only is your perfectionist perfection pretty much destroying every fun thing about your life, it’s GETTING ON OUR NERVES!

Virgo

    Wordle isn’t the world, Virgo. That’s all I have to say. No one cares that you guessed the answer in two tries, or that the best starting word is “learn” (it isn’t). The game died two months ago, and I think we’d all like to keep it that way.

Libra

    Oh Libra, look into my eyes. Let’s run away and leave it all behind. Sail away on a ship to paradise, where there’s nothing but us and our love for each other. So romantic. So dreamy. I’m floating on clouds of affection, and racing with the fervor of passion. Do you feel the same?

Scorpio

    Hahahahhahaha, look at ol’ Libra above us swooning and giggling over a love letter like they’re a teenager in middle school. Just between you and I, Scorpio, I don’t think Libra has quite gotten over that phase, just like every other phase they’ve lived through. I think they still even wear “Keep Calm and Live, Laugh, Love” t-shirts and pluck their eyebrows until only a line thinner than the skin of my teeth remains.

Sagittarius

    Sorry Sagittarius, but you don’t get one this time, we’ve run out of willpower for these. Better luck next time.

Capricorn

    Thank you, Capricorn, for being the only one who gets me. This world is so terrible, and I’m so grateful for your presence. I especially love when you compliment everything I do. My therapist says it only feeds my narcissism, but I really just think I’m such a welcoming person and people naturally like me.

Aquarius

    You’re honestly the only smart cookie in the world, Aquarius, and I shouldn’t even be saying this, because of COURSE you know this already– you know everything!!!!!!!!!!! Except sarcasm!!!!! Which is why I’m using this many exclamation points to get my point across, because you absolutely will not understand otherwise!!!!!!

Pisces

    I’m just going to be completely honest, and confess that I didn’t know how to pronounce your sign until I assaulted my ears with Justin Beiber’s new “song” (what he claims to be one, anyway). Like, why does “Pisces” have “pie” in its pronunciation? Are you pie-seeing? Like, with binoculars and field guides and everything? You know, that actually sounds kinda fun. So invite me the next time you go pie-seeing, Pisces.