Aries: First on my way-too-long list of horoscopes is Aries, and I feel as if my exasperation here perfectly encapsulates your entiiiire being. Like, ya’ll know exactly what is wrong with the world and hate how apparently no one else can see it. I feel you to be honest, so hang in there, it’s gonna be a loooong ride.

Taurus: LMAO yeah I didn’t feel like giving you guys a horoscope this month so, uh, just wait a few more weeks until our next release when I do feel like it.

Gemini: How do you have time for literally anything? Like, do you sleep? Do you eat? Do you multiply yourself like Doctor Strange so you can attend all 37 club meetings you have every day? How do you do it?? I’d go insane, to be honest.

Cancer: Please take some time to yourself. Do something nice, take the day off from work, don’t do the dishes today. ANYTHING! You’ve been doing wayyy too much these last few weeks, and I’m thinking the stress is starting to build. So before you blow, RELEASE IT!!!

Leo: You’re literally Leonardo da Vinci, the way you draw and paint and do all that stuff that way. No idea how you do it. I mean, I’m here struggling to give my stick figures some straight lines and you’re here creating the Mona Lisa in less than 20 minutes? Sheesh. 

Virgo: You know how I said Leos are perfect painters? That they’re modern day da Vincis? Yeahhhhh, now notice how I’m not saying you Virgos are? I mean, I feel you, anything I try to draw looks like a scribbling from a small child’s first day at preschool, but you take it to a whooole new level. Art teachers cower at the sight of you, art critics stare in incredulity, and I? Well, I just laugh because I’m no longer the worst person at art.

Libra: Oh Libras, you’re just like me, only I’m not a Libra. You all know your absolute superiority in the realm of wit and intellect, and you all long for the day when you can finally express those splendidly vile thoughts of yours. Okay, by now you’ve realized that day will never ever come, so in the meantime (or forever time) you’re stuck reading novels like Dune that have characters who actually think beyond “I like the color red,” and “lol omg he’s so hot.” 

Scorpio: Okkkkay, I’m running out of ideas here, any chance you Scorpios could help? You probably could, actually, you lot really are the nicest, sweetest, and dumbest people I’ve ever known. I say dumbest, of course, because you all never know WHEN to say no or to admit that you physically cannot save every puppy on the planet or collect every piece of litter from every street in the world. So please, next time you’re asked to write five essays for someone in an hour, take a step back and say NO!!!!

Sagittarius:  You Sagittarius lot really have mastered the ability to say lots of things without saying anything. I mean, if you’ve read any part of this article you’ll realize I have too, but you guys are just so GOOD at it. That does lead me to ask, what’s really going on in that head of yours? Any chance you’ll share it? I’m sure there is something interesting in that noggin of yours. 

Capricorn: You will come across a stranger next week, one who’s colorfully dressed and who has an inquisitive soul. With your own curious and receptive nature, Capricorn, this stranger will present you an opportunity to look within yourself and examine your true person. Take this chance well and see it to the fullest.

Aquarius: LMAO I still can’t believe Capricorns eat that sort of stuff up. Congrats to you, Aquarius, for remaining above that… sort of stuff, and seeing it for the total nonsense it is.

Pisces: You know, since this is the last blessed horoscope I have to write, I’ll give Pisces an actual, genuine bit of advice (sort of). Pleeeease take a chance today (or tomorrow, whatever works). I’ve noticed ya’ll tend to sit by and let it all go. Sure, that’s nice and easy, but where’s the fun in it? I promise you’ll feel only self-loath at the end of your life when you look back and realize you did nothing with it.