Capricorn (December 22-January 19): Permanent College Student. Give it a rest, buddy. Please pick a career before you get into college or you’re going to be stuck there until you die of exam induced stress at 32. I know you want to take a lot of classes and “succeed” but you can’t succeed if you’re living in a pile of old essays, takeout containers, and tears. One degree is enough.

Aquarius (Jan 20-Feb 18): English Teacher. Your passion and love for novels and mugs of warm tea by the windowsill on a rainy day will be executed by the sheer dull nature of hundreds of teenagers forced to read your favorite classics. If the college degree doesn’t kill your passion, the infuriating children certainly will. Try as you might to be “quirky” and “relatable,” you will be doomed to the fate of all English teachers: a sea of children that absolutely resent your class and the four each year that would die for you.

Pisces (Feb 19-March 20):  Snake Oil Salesman. Your intuitive nature will take you far! Go off into the world and sell your anti-aging anti-wrinkle anti-cancer creme to the masses. The world will thank you for your persuasive skills in manipulating the uneducated in purchasing pseudoscience’s most miserable creation. At least you’ll make bank.

Aries (March 21-April 19): Criminal Mastermind. Hear me out now, you are all so constantly filled with rage and anger in your comparatively tiny frames, that it’s inevitable that one day you will snap and take on a life of crime and infamy. Regardless, you’ll end up in the papers. Please do snap, actually, we need something for next month’s release, and you would make an excellent front-page mugshot.

Taurus (April 20-May 20): Gourmet Chef. Yes, haha, stereotypical, but you’re the one reading the horoscopes page of a high school newspaper, so… Regardless, you’re not a cool chef like Gordon Ramsay, more like… the head chef Slowik from The Menu, or Hannibal from… well… every iteration of Hannibal. A little deranged, a little silly, but still a pretty good cook.

Gemini (May 21-June 20): Politician. Behind every good political campaign is an equally good two-faced politician at its head, and as Gemini, your two-facedness is your most defining trait. Because this is sounding too much like an actual horoscope, I will continue by saying that politics are dumb and YOU are dumb for going into them, hypothetically. Excellent…the humor is maintained.

Cancer (June 21-July 22): Psych Degree Dropout. Maybe you’ll make it to graduation, but I feel like it’s more likely for the stress of school to break you down to the point where YOU will need a psychiatrist. Going to school to learn about mental illness to be able to fix your own doesn’t work, so I’ll stop you before you spend 100k on an emotionally damaging piece of paper.

Leo (July 23-August 22): Actor. Don’t get egotistical, now, because you know full well you’re destined for greatness…. in a supporting role. Listen, you guys are really boring. You’re not going to Hollywood, I’m sorry. It’s so stereotypical for you to actually make it big, so I guess you can call yourself quirky for playing Citizen #3 in the next Marvel film.

Virgo (August 23-September 22): Life Manager. Finally, you can let the control freak dwelling inside of you out of its cage. Get hired by a horrifically rich celeb and plan their life hour by hour, day by day. You will finally be able to control the aspects of another’s life like you have dreamed of since birth. Allow your own life to fall into shambles for the sake of the perfection you can achieve by managing another’s image. You know you want to.

Libra (September 23-October 22): Lawyer. I mean, come on, dude. The symbol for your sign is a scale. You literally cannot beat that wonderful symbolism. Your planet is Venus, the roman goddess of love, so feel free to Legally Blonde yourself into stardom, or something.

Scorpio (October 23-November 21): Mortician. You people are mean, so off to the corpses you go! Dead people can’t talk, or insult you, and they are an excellent way to practice how to be a pleasant person to be around. It’s a win-win, really. You don’t have to be around annoying people all day, and normal people don’t have to be around you.

Sagittarius (November 22-December 21): Help Desk Employee. You’re people-people, and who else do we send out to soothe the feral masses of angry customers on Black Friday then the person who probably won’t be mauled instantly?  People like you, and your unfortunate fate of being the permanent face of the friend-group or company is inescapable.