Satire: Math teacher makes perfect bracket and featured on ESPN

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Austin Irvin

Mr. Aumiller live on ESPN after winning $10 million for his winning bracket.

Austin Irvin and Isaac Gall

March Madness has begun, and there have been 20 million brackets filled out just for this event, but only one accurate bracket remains, and that would belong to Bellefonte long-term math substitute teacher Mr. Aaron Aumiller.

 Mr. Aumiller is no longer with the Bellefonte Area School District. In wake of his major success with the perfect bracket, he recently resigned from his position with the district to become an ESPN commentator. Some say he’s the smartest person in the sports industry.

“See ya later, suckers,” Mr. Aumiller said, he walked out of the main entrance of BAHS with a cardboard box of his personal belongings.

Now that Mr. Aumiller is away with his new job as an analyst, Bellefonte High School is in desperate need of a new math teacher. Mr. Aumiller talked about why he left his position here so easily.

“Of course I left. It would be anyone’s dream to be on live TV as an analyst. Why wouldn’t they want me to join their industry? Obviously I’m the smartest there is,” Mr. Aumiller boasted.

In addition to Mr. Aumiller getting his new job, his perfect bracket put everyone in awe of his geniusness, winning him a $10 million reward. Aumiller was more excited about the money than the job because of his love for shoes. He intends to use his winnings to feed his shoe habit. 

“Yeah, once I get my hands on this money I’m buying ten different pairs of shoes, and then I’m gonna buy custom shoes for each and every one of the teams I picked to win,” Mr. Aumiller exclaimed.

ESPN is said to have hired Mr. Aumiller as an analyst because of his amazing bracket predicting skills, but also because he is a classified genius with an IQ of over 200.

Many intense sports broadcasters are questioning whether or not this insane IQ is the reason for his suspiciously perfect bracket. Does this give Mr. Aumiller a competitive edge on his opponents?

“Just because my IQ is over double the average person, this is no reason for everyone to think I’m cheating. I’m just using my natural abilities. What can I say? I’m a genius,” Mr. Aumiller said when asked about this possible scandal.

Although this is a perfectly reasonable explanation for his flawless bracket, the people at ESPN are choosing to ignore the fact that Mr. Aumiller could in fact be cheating. 

It turns out ESPN will be using Mr. Aumiller’s skills to add a new category to their app, “Extremely Accurate Predictions.” If you pay a small fee of $2,000 a month, you can view these predictions to give yourself a possible competitive edge on the other participants, and a very good chance at winning future March Madness brackets.