Satire: English teacher uses grammar and fierceness to lead football team


Photo by Rebecca Methven

English teacher Ms. Momenzadeh drops the books and picks up the ball as she plans to transition to football coach next year.

She’s tough, she’s mean, she’s the ultimate grammar machine. English teacher Ms. Kat Momenzadeh makes the big decision to move from the safety of her books to the toxic, masculine environment of the football field. 

When it comes to football, no one could possibly know more than Ms. Momenzadeh. Vince Lombardi could never compare. When asked about her potential as Bellefonte’s head coach, current head coach Mr. Donmoyer responds.

“Ms. Mo scares me. When she came up to me asking to be the new coach I was so intimidated that I just had to agree. I thought I was going to pass out. I wish the best of luck to those kids…she doesn’t go easy on the weak.”

Ms. Momenzadeh has been known to even lead her classes with an iron fist. When students walk into her class they can only hope they remembered their independent reading book. For years, Ms. Momenzadeh had managed to keep it a secret about her desire to be a coach.

“It’s always been a dream of mine to be a football coach. I turned down the position of head coach of the Kansas City Chiefs to be an English teacher,” she said.

Now that she is going to be coach, she is determined to make them the best team Bellefonte has ever had. Ms. Mo does not shy away from a challenge and will make the boys run as many laps as needed for them to be absolute perfection. In her free time, she has even been seen drawing out different plays and organizing play cards for future games. 

Ms. Momenzadeh planned on keeping it a secret until right before the season started. However, the secret came out when sophomore Trevor Johnson caught Ms. Mo writing plays in her playbook during independent reading. The student started spreading the rumor about Ms. Momenzadeh becoming head coach. When the football team heard the news they stormed her class in protest. Ms. Mo later interviewed with ESPN about the protests.

“Men don’t scare me. I bet I can bench all of them put together. The boys better bring an extra pair of underwear to practice – they’ll need them after I’m through with them,” she said.

Rumors have been spread around the school from the Academic Decathlon students on how intense she can be. During their States competition, they stated how night after night they were forced to stay up and study with her peering over their shoulders. 

“I don’t think those football players will make it through their first practice. We hardly made it through the weekend, I think I cried at least once every five minutes,” junior Davis Corman said.

All of Bellefonte is eager to see how Ms. Momenzadeh will take on the football team. Will they win? They better, otherwise who knows who will suffer the wrath of the grammar machine.